And Now a Word from Our Sponsor

Notes from a Clueless Dad

As you can tell by Allison’s baby countdown clock, I am apparently going to be a dad in a mere 40 days-or-so. Until now, I have had a pretty easy go about it with this whole pregnancy. Sure, I have had to go to multiple grocery stores for the “right” ice cream. I have had to chase my dog through our neighborhood when her late-night craving for cheesecake provided Atticus with the perfect opportunity to chase a rabbit at 10:00 pm. But overall, nothing really too bad. Allison has really put in a little more effort at this point.

That clock, though, keeps reminding me that my part in this whole parenthood gig is about to begin, which for an only-child-never-been-around-a-baby-or-changed-a-diaper kind of guy is terrifying. I mean terrifying. I now walk around my house and only see one pit fall after another. Why did we buy a house with stairs? Why did we buy that rectangular wood coffee table? I mean come on, when the kid starts walking, I just know he is going to fall down the stairs and roll into that coffee table and hit his head on the edge of that we-never-should-have-bought-this-death-trap table.

Not to mention, how do you walk around and carry a baby? As many people know, I can be kind of klutzy and only to make things worse, we have wooden floors. On average, once a week have a vision of me walking down the stairs, stumbling and taking a tumble. Before baby, a comical event in which any spectator would get a good chuckle from, but after baby, a sure-fire trip to the hospital.

When I confided to Allison regarding my concerns about being a father and ultimately dropping our child, she laughed and told me not to worry, that I am going to be a great dad. But I can tell she is worried about me. Routinely, she reminds me that a baby’s…poop looks like pea soup and not to overreact when this happens. My reaction is an immediate flashback to the movie Exorcist. You know, the scene when the demon takes over the girl’s body and she spits up pea soup, and thinking where can I get me some holy water to stop this truly unholy event.

But at the end of the day, I take a deep breath and realize that many guys before me have been new dads with little or no experience and have proven to be very good fathers. And as we learned from the past presidential election, that experience thing is apparently overrated. Well wait, maybe not the best example of a successful outcome.

All I know is that even though I watch that countdown clock with growing anxiousness, my excitement grows exponentially more to be a dad and meet my son.