Tuesday, December 3, 2013

That whole no babies thing

This might be difficult to read and I give you permission to skip this entry if you don't want to hear the tough stuff.

This spring, I had a miscarriage. Then, a month ago I had another. Both times the baby stopped growing but my body continued to produce hormones and I failed to miscarry on my own. I needed surgery. It was painful and very sad. Some days I feel broken and other days I feel like hurrying up and trying again.

What makes our situation more complicated, is that we can't just open a bottle of wine and wake up to a second pink line a couple weeks later. For us to have a baby it takes medicine and a miracle. Some of our friends and family know the dirty details, but for my sake and the sake of my child(ren) I hope you will forgive me for leaving the specifics offline.

When we felt ready to start our family and quickly learned we needed help, I couldn't imagine living childless. I was desperate and got down on my knees to pray. I begged for a child and fully believed that as long as I had one I would be happy. I begged for at least one and we know I finally got lucky. For nine months I tried to savor the experience knowing it might be my only shot. When I was in labor with Bennett, I vividly remember standing in the shower, rubbing my belly because I was so afraid it would be the last time.

I have waffled back and forth about writing about this here. Once upon a time, I wanted to but I couldn't and wrote an anonymous blog instead to get my feelings off my chest. Part of me needs to write to help process the weight of these emotions. So much of my silence this year and so much of what has already been published is influenced by my infertility. Yet, I need to discuss it on the blog and perhaps even let other people know they don't need to suffer in silence.

We have known since the beginning what a miracle that child is and I don't want to take it for granted, but I know that my heart still wants another. I just have to believe that with the trials and tribulations we have encountered on this journey, this is going to be one very loved baby. And that's just it, I have to believe.

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